


federal bureau of useless gays

by teacupfulofbrains



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: I PRESENT, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN AND NONBINARY FRIENDS, Logince - Freeform, M/M, Nothing serious, bc it's an fbi!au, but like, but they are ALSO BADASSES, everyone is a useless gay, gratuitous hurt/comfort shenanigans, individual warnings on individual chapters, it's a criminal minds au basically, logan and roman are useless gays, logan and virgil are half-brothers, logan's based on spencer reid, moxiety - Freeform, roman's kinda based on derek morgan, sanders sides fbi!au, that's right! it's crossposted from tumblr!, there's gonna be injury and blood mentions, they're soft gay boys and i love them, thomas is the unit chief, virgil's kinda based on penelope garcia
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-28
Updated: 2018-07-22
Packaged: 2019-05-30 00:13:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 9,917
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15084830
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/teacupfulofbrains/pseuds/teacupfulofbrains
Summary: Logan is recruited into the FBI out of college. When he gets there, he finds a team composed of his half-brother the former cyber-criminal, his half-brother's boyfriend, and an insufferably handsome firearms aficionado. What could possibly go wrong?(OR: a series of oneshot prompts set in my Sanders Sides FBI!AU, crossposted from tumblr)





	1. some headcanons

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> welcome to the wild ride, kiddos!!   
> this is the only installment that's in bullet point form, the rest are actual stories  
> content warnings will be on each individual chapter, but this one's just some bullet points, so there really aren't any!

  * Virgil is a technical analyst a la Penelope Garcia from C _riminal Minds_ , but he will sometimes travel around with the team. Planes make him nervous, so he spends the entire ride clinging white-knuckled to Patton’s arm. Patton thinks it’s adorable. Virgil thinks it’s embarrassing.
  * His computer-riddled office is referred to as The Batcave by everyone. Roman is the one who initially came up with it, and Virgil insists that he hates it. ( ~~Spoiler alert: he does not.~~ )
  * Virgil and Roman’s relationship is entirely sarcastic, witty banter. They legitimately hated each other’s guts at first (Roman’s had to work his entire life for recognition and this hacker kid just swans in like it’s _nothing_ ). 
  * They started getting along better after Roman was kidnapped; it was only Virgil’s outside-the-box thinking and quick fingers that saved his life. 
  * Logan is also a computer genius (although Virgil outpaces him). When he first started at the FBI, he worked in the Batcave with Virgil. He was there all of three weeks before they made him a profiler. 
  * Logan has, technically, never graduated from college; he was recruited out by the FBI in his junior year. Despite this, he has since earned multiple doctorates (chemistry, psychology, astrophysics, and mathematics). 
  * Thomas is the unit chief. His unit (himself, Virgil, Patton, Logan, and Roman) is the smallest one. The director keeps trying to get him to add more people. He refuses. 
  * Coincidentally, Thomas’s unit has the best record in the entire FBI. People would kill to get on that team. (People have tried.)
  * Virgil’s absolute favorite pastime is remotely hacking into his team member’s phones and setting their ringtones to something obnoxious. 
  * Every time he does, Logan writes a new update that blocks Virgil’s changes and adds it to all of their phones. Every time, Virgil hacks his way around it. 
  * It’s become a game between them. The rest of the team has given up on ever having normal ringtones. 
  * Patton and Thomas have worked together for a really long time, and they’ve known each other their entire lives. They trust each other completely.
  * Roman is skilled with pretty much all firearms, but he excels as a sniper, so it’s usually where he ends up. Logan not-so-secretly enjoys that Roman is so far removed from the action. 
  * Logan is the youngest profiler the FBI has ever seen, and he looks it. He still dresses like a dorky college student. 
  * Logan has trouble expressing emotions sometimes, and when he first joined the FBI, some other agents (rookies who were jealous of how fast he made such an elite squad) made fun of him for that and for his appearance. 
  * They woke up the next morning to find that all of their passwords had been changed and that embarrassing baby/childhood photos of them had been leaked everywhere to everyone in the Bureau. 
  * (Virgil denies responsibility, and no one can prove it was him, but people stop making fun of Logan after than.) 
  * Virgil occasionally acts as a press liaison if needed, but Patton deals with the press the most. He’s the best at it
  * Every single day, Logan asks Virgil when he’s going to propose to Patton. Every single day, Virgil flips Logan off and then sends him several long, profanity-riddled texts because  _what if Patton heard you?_
  * Logan is absolutely a fucking lightweight. They all go out for drinks after work one night, and Logan is trashed halfway through one drink. He gets cuddly when he’s drunk and spends the whole night draped over Roman, drunkenly rambling about stars and chemistry. 
  * (Virgil has multiple videos of this. Logan thinks it’s embarrassing. Roman thinks it’s adorable, because drunk Logan will also ramble about how pretty and strong Roman is, complete with a whole slew of petnames.) 
  * Someone once bet Logan that he couldn’t read the entirety of _War and Peace_ in an hour. He read it in English and had enough time to read it again in the original Russian. (Virgil started taking bets the second it was announced and ended up with close to $3000.) 
  * Logan can read in, like, fifteen languages, plus English. He understands about twelve different spoken languages plus English, and he can speak fluent Spanish, German, Mandarin Chinese, and Dutch. 
  * Roman is fluent in Spanish, French, and Italian. Patton, inexplicably, is completely fluent in Vietnamese. Thomas knows Spanish and Chinese - more than the average person, but he isn’t completely fluent. 
  * Virgil likes to joke that he’s barely fluent in English, let alone other languages. (He is, however, fluent in almost all of the programming languages. He doesn’t think it counts. Patton insists that it does.)
  * Logan is bad with romance, but sometimes he’ll compliment Roman in Spanish just to see the blush on his face. 
  * He’ll also compliment Roman in other languages and then tell him it was a mild insult or something. Roman knows that’s not the case, so he’ll just laugh and kiss Logan’s forehead. 
  * Roman and Logan are the most-cited couple for PDA in the entire FBI. Logan is embarrassed about it. Roman will, if anything, get  _more_  touchy if he’s called out on it.
  * Sometimes, after a particularly tough case, they’ll all go over to Thomas’s house and de-stress by watching old cop dramas and trying to predict who the bad guy is. 
  * Logan has an eidetic memory. People usually don’t believe him, so he’ll pick up something at random, read it, and hand it to them while he recites it back word for word 
  * Virgil is a really good cook. He lives on ramen and coffee, but he can cook really well. (He likes to joke it’s how he wooed Patton.) 
  * Logan and Virgil are technically half-brothers; Virgil’s dad died when he was three, his mom remarried, and Logan came along a few years later. 
  * The entire team is fiercely loyal to and defensive of each other. They’re all very close. 
  * Logan understands absolutely nothing about sarcasm, but will occasionally respond to something with facts in such a way that it sounds like a comeback, and Roman weeps with pride every time. 
  * All of them are licensed to carry a gun (Virgil included, although he doesn’t unless he goes out into the field). Logan failed his qualification test multiple times, which resulted in Roman giving him lots of private lessons. 
  * (Not that they helped much, because they involved a lot of Roman being  _very very close_ to Logan and Logan is  _very very gay._ ) 
  * Patton is an actual doctor. he completed med school in six years (the most compressed timeline possible), and people tend to underestimate his intelligence but he’s brilliant. 
  * Patton and Logan share a deep love for philosophy. When they’re not reviewing case files on the plane, they’re having debates. No one else can ever follow the thread of the conversations; Thomas has given up trying. Virgil and Roman just watch their partners with awe. 
  * Virgil’s only in the FBI because they caught him hacking into their servers. He’d been ghosting around for two years before they caught him. 
  * He never did anything illegal, he was just dicking around, but the fact he got in there at all was so impressive that they offered him a job or jail time. 
  * He took the job and the rest is history. 




	2. kidnapped: logan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 49: "I'd rather die."  
> Logan has been kidnapped, and a rescue is staged.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the first prompt fill i ever did! the birth of the fbi!au!  
> tw: blood, injury mention, brief death mention (MINOR CHARACTER)

"I won’t ask you again,” the woman drawls. She lounges atop the abandoned bar, the picture of elegance and grace. The gun dangles from one index finger, glinting silver in the low light. 

Logan spits a mouthful of blood onto the concrete floor. His nose is bleeding, and he’s glad he isn’t gagged because his nose is blocked and he’s sure he would have suffocated if his mouth was blocked too. He’s starting to lose feeling in his hands and feet from the tightness of the duct tape. 

“I am not required to tell you anything,” he says, voice level and steady. “And I’d rather die than surrender my team members.” _Rather die than surrender Roman_ , he doesn’t say.

“You’re not going to leave this building alive, Agent,” she purrs. “You’re going to die here, by my hand, and I will go down in history as the woman who beat the FBI’s own Agent Logan Wallace.” Logan hates the way his name sounds on her tongue.

There’s a massive crash, and the woman jumps off the bar, gun pointed square at his forehead. Three agents come into the bar, and Logan breathes a sigh of relief when he doesn’t see Roman among them. 

The standoff is tense, lasts a few heart-breaking minutes, and Logan thinks he’s going to die. But the woman is cocky and over-confident, and the second her gun lowers from his forehead the window behind her shatters. She collapses to the ground with a bullet through her skull. 

One of the agents severs the duct tape and Logan stands, rubbing his wrists. Someone passes him a cell phone, and when he presses it to his ear he hears Virgil, frantic. “ _Logan! Did you find him? Is he alright?_ ” 

“Hello, Virgil,” Logan sighs, and it’s good to hear his older brother’s voice. 

“ _Lo! Are you alright? What did they do to you?_ ” 

“Other than briefly cutting off circulation to my extremities, minor blood loss, and several bruises, I am alright, Virgil.” 

“ _Make sure Patton checks you out, okay, Lo?_ ” 

Logan smiles. “Of course, Virgil.” 

“ _I'm glad you’re safe_ ,” Virgil sighs. “ _My fingers were shaking on the keyboard, I - I couldn’t shake the feeling that I wasn’t typing fast enough, I wasn’t looking hard enough, I wasn’t -_ ”

“You were enough, Virgil,” Logan soothes. “You were enough.” 

“ _The Batcave better be the first fucking place you go when you get back here_ ,” Virgil threatens. 

“I promise.” 

Virgil hangs up, and Logan heads outside, a little unsteady but largely unharmed. He sits on the sidewalk and lets Patton check him out, trying not to look at the bloodstains he leaves on Patton’s blue scrubs. 

The blood is cleared in no time, and Patton is just finishing attaching gauze to the cut on his forehead when he sees Roman walking towards them, gaze flicking around frantically. His sniper rifle is propped against his shoulder, but when he sees Patton and Logan, he passes it to one of the other agents and sprints. 

He drops to his knees in front of Logan, pressing his hands to Logan’s cheeks and taking a deep breath. “Oh, thank God you’re alive,” he whispers. “I wanted to be on the ground, I wanted to go in there and get you myself, but they needed a sniper and -”

“ - and you are the best shot the academy has ever seen,” Logan finishes. Roman laughs. 

“Logan Wallace, I never thought I’d see the day you complimented my riflework.” He leans in and kisses Logan, gently, and for once, Logan doesn’t push him off in the name of PDA. 


	3. first kiss: logince

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 16: "Just shut up and kiss me!" 
> 
> Roman and Logan end up in a life-or-death situation. If Roman's going to die, he doesn't want to die with regrets.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (highkey one of my favorite stories in this au)   
> tw: bomb, death mention, anxiety

“ _I need more time!_ ” 

Virgil’s voice is high and frantic through the tinny phone speaker. Patton’s knuckles are white around Roman’s upper arm as he and Thomas physically restrain him behind the police barrier. Logan’s face is deathly pale, but carefully blank, and he’s doing his best to make eye contact with Roman. 

“We don’t have time!” Roman screams, throwing himself against Thomas and Patton again. All he can see is the blinking red light of the Semtex strapped to Logan’s chest, the blaring blue of the countdown clock as it ticks to detonation time - three minutes to go. “Virgil, he’s going to die!” 

“ _You think I don’t know that?_ ” Virgil snaps. “ _That’s my baby brother, Roman, you think I’m not doing everything I can to save him?_ ” 

“This isn’t helping!” Thomas snarls, and he goes to take Virgil off speakerphone but at that moment, he loses his grip on Roman. Roman tears away from Patton and vaults over the barriers, sprinting up to Logan. 

“Roman!” Patton shrieks. “Roman, no, you have to come back here!” 

“Stay here,” Thomas says. “I’m not losing any more agents than I have to to this madman. Virgil, I need you to patch into Roman’s headset.” 

“ _What? Why? What did he do?_ ” 

“He’s over there with Logan right now. You need to be in his ear in case you find something.” 

“ _I - you - I -_ ”

“Virgil, we don’t have time! I need you in there now!” 

“ _You got it, boss._ ” 

Roman’s earpiece crackles as he runs. “ _You’re a fucking dumbass,_ ” Virgil tells him, “ _and I'm gonna tear you a new one when you get back here_.” 

“Awful confident, Virge,” Roman teases, but his breath is coming hard and fast as he drops in front of Logan. “You sure we’re making it out of here alive?” 

“ _You fucking better!_ ” Virgil demands. “ _Are you with him? Is he okay?_ ” 

“Your brother,” Roman breathes, “wants to know if you’re okay.” 

“You need to go.” Logan’s voice is controlled, but his eyes shimmer with tears. “Roman, you need to go, now.” 

“I’m not leaving you!” Roman snaps. 

“I will not be responsible for your death!” 

“ _No one is going to die!_ ” Virgil shouts. “ _Roman, is there a keypad on the vest anywhere?_ ” 

Roman’s fingers fly frantically over the vest, and he hears the slightest hitch in Logan’s voice as he skims the semtex before finally, finally, finding the keypad, hidden beneath the ticking clock. “Yes there is, how did you -”

“ _This isn’t the first bomb this fucker’s built, although it is the first time he’s strapped one to a living human, let alone_ my goddamn baby brother,  _and he’s a narcissistic son of a bitch so he won’t vary his design. He wants notoriety. He wants us to know this is him._ ” 

“So how do I save him?” Roman presses loudly. “How do I disarm this bomb? You said he’s built bombs like this before, right? How were they disarmed?” 

“ _No one’s ever disarmed one before,_ ” Virgil says, “ _but you’re gonna be the first. You’re gonna be the goddamn first, Roman, you hear me? Because if you let him die then I swear I -_ ”

“If I let him die, I'll die with him, and no one is dying today. It’s looking like a four-digit code, and I have two minutes, thirty-seven seconds to disarm it, and there - there are four little LED lights on the top, what does that mean?” 

“Four tries before you set it off,” Logan says, voice hollow. 

“We’ve got four guesses, Virgil, make them count! What year was he born?” 

“ _Uh, um, I - 1988!_ ” 

Roman punches in  _1-9-8-8._  One of the light bulbs turns red. The timer jumps from two minutes thirty seconds to two minutes fifteen seconds. 

“Shit!” 

“ _What happened?_ ”

“It was wrong, and we just lost fifteen seconds,” Roman swears. “Virgil, I need more information!” 

“You need to leave,” Logan insists. “You’re going to -”

“Shut up!” Roman interrupts. “Just shut up and kiss me! If you’re so convinced you’re going to die, then kiss me goodbye, at least, you fucker!” 

He slams their mouths together, fast and furious and desperate, and dimly he registers that this is a pretty shitty place for his first kiss with his boyfriend and a pretty shitty first kiss in general but he’s not losing this. 

“ _Try 2003, that’s the year the first one was detonated!_ ” 

Roman punches it in without breaking the kiss. Another light turns red, and they lose fifteen more seconds. “Wrong again,” he gasps, pulling away from a flustered Logan. “Virgil, come on, please, please, please, we’re running out of options.” 

“The trigger,” Logan says, suddenly. 

“What?” 

“The trigger. It was his shitty home life, right? What was the home address?” 

“Virgil, home address, I need it now!” 

“ _4476 Sherwood!_ ” 

Roman types out  _4-4-7-6_ , and for seven agonizing seconds, nothing happens. 

Then all the lights turn green, the countdown freezes and blinks, and the blinking red trigger light shuts off. Roman sobs (why is he crying?) and collapses against Logan’s chest. “ _Roman? What is it? What happened?_ ” 

“We did it, Batman,” Roman breathes. “We did it. The bomb’s disarmed. He’s going to be okay.” 

There’s no verbal response from Virgil, just a loud, shaky sigh of relief, and then a muffled sob and the connection cuts off. Roman’s hands are shaking as he tears at the vest, pulling it off and throwing it to the side. Dimly, he registers Thomas’s and Patton’s voices, the bomb techs grabbing the vest, but all he can concentrate is Logan, stumbling into his arms. 

He clings to him, face pressed in his neck, feeling the steady thrum of his pulse and hearing it sing out  _alive, alive, alive alive alive alive_  as Logan grips the back of his shirt and cries. 

“You’re a fucking moron,” he says. “The Bureau could have lost two agents instead of one.” 

“We didn’t lose any,” Roman whispers. He grips the back of Logan’s head with one hand, insistently pressing himself against his boyfriend to ground himself, to reassure himself that it’s not a dream. “I didn’t lose you.” 

“That was an interesting first kiss,” Logan mumbles. 

“I had wanted our first one to be a bit more romantic,” Roman admits. 

“If it makes you feel better, that’s the first time I've ever been kissed, so I have no precedent with which to compare it.” 

“You’ve never -” Roman pulls his head up to meet Logan’s gaze, keeping two fingers on his pulse point. “I was your first kiss?” 

Logan’s cheeks are wet. “You’re my first everything. First kiss, first boyfriend, first lo -”

“First love,” Roman whispers, and then he kisses him again. 

(When they make it back to the Bureau, Logan heads for Virgil’s office, with Roman sticking to him like a shadow. Logan’s hand touches the door and it flies open and then Virgil is yanking his brother forward and crushing him in a tight, desperate hug. Roman just smiles, one hand on the small of Logan’s back, and Virgil whispers “ _thank you_ ” as he cries into Logan’s hair.) 


	4. near-death experience: roman

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 6: "Don't you die on me!"  
> Logan asks for very little as a boyfriend, but he does expect Roman to keep his promises.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it is roman's turn to suffer and i am sorry  
> (tw: injury, blood, gun mention, hospital, anxiety)

He never should have taken off the goddamn vest. 

Logan is shaking - with fear, with cold, with anger, he can’t tell. He told Roman not to go in, and Roman insisted he would be fine. He told Roman that if he had to go in, he had to wear a vest, and Roman promised he would. 

Roman took the vest off. Roman is not fine. 

Logan’s hands shake, but he keeps applying pressure to Roman’s chest. Roman winces, and Logan pushes harder. “I’m sorry,” he grits, “but I am trying to keep you alive.” 

“I appreciate the concern, Logan,” and that isn’t right, Roman’s voice shouldn’t be that weak. “But I told you I would be fine.” 

“And you lied to me,” Logan bites, “because this is not fine!” 

Roman’s fingers are slick and wet when they wrap around Logan’s wrist, and Logan keeps his eyes trained on Roman’s face, on the hair plastered with sweat to his forehead, on the red in his smile. 

“I will be,” Roman says. Logan can hear shouting, and footsteps, and he draws his gun and whirls around, keeping pressure with his other hand. Patton is already holstering his gun, dropping to his knees. 

“Oh, God, kiddo,” he whispers. “What did they do to you?” He’s already slipping into doctor mode, instructing Logan to keep pressure while shouting at Thomas to radio for medical. 

“I told you not to go,” Logan says, and there should be emotion in his voice. Why isn’t there emotion in his voice? “I told - I told you not to go.” 

“And you were right, Specs.” Roman laughs, and blood trickles down the side of his mouth. “You’re always right.” 

His eyes start to slide closed, and a mangled scream tears its way from Logan’s throat. “Don’t you  _dare_  die on me, you - you ** _fuckwad!_** ” 

It’s the first time he’s ever cursed in front of Roman, the first time he’s ever cursed in front of Patton. Patton is still focused on helping Roman, but he does mutter “Language, Lo,” under his breath. 

“I’m sorry,” Roman whispers. “I’m sorry, I - I hurt you like this, Logan. I never - I never meant to.”

“You took your vest off.” 

“He would have - have shot the hostage if I didn’t.” 

“The ambulance is almost here, Roman, it’s all going to be okay,” Patton says, and Logan knows that tone. He knows that forced lightness. That’s his “I’m-trying-to-make-the-situation-seem-less-serious-than-it-is” voice. 

“Logan,” Roman says. He coughs, and more blood spatters onto his chest. Logan wants to wipe it away, but he’s afraid to take his hands off the wound. 

“I'm here,” Logan says. 

“Kiss me?” Roman requests. “If - if this is the last time you see me alive -”

“It won’t be,” Logan says, firm and furious. 

“- I want you to kiss me,” Roman says. He hisses in pain, and Logan leans down and kisses him. He doesn’t believe that he’s going to lose Roman tonight (he  _can’t_ believe that he’s going to lose Roman tonight, he  _won’t_ believe that he’s going to lose Roman tonight) but he can see Roman getting agitated. It tastes like copper, but Logan doesn’t pull away. 

He sits back up. “I kissed you because I love you. not because you’re going to die.” 

“I believe you, Specs,” Roman laughs, and his voice is getting fainter. 

“You’ve worked with me for three years. how often have I been wrong? Once, twice?” 

“You misused infinitesimal,” Roman laughs. He winces, and Logan faintly registers the sound of sirens. 

“This is not one of those times,” Logan continues. “I am  _not_  wrong, and you  _will not die on me!_ ” 

“Okay, Lo,” Roman breathes. His eyes close. 

“Don’t you die on me! Roman! Roman no! _No, Roman, don’t you die on me!_ ” 

They won’t let him in the ambulance. Patton goes, medical terms that Logan knows but can’t process spilling from his lips, and Logan is left standing in the parking lot, hands and shirt covered in Roman’s blood. 

Thomas puts a gentle hand on his shoulder and guides him towards the car. Logan is numb, letting himself be pushed into the passenger seat. “We’re going to the office,” Thomas says. “We’re going to pick up Virgil. You’re going to change your clothes and get cleaned up. Then we’re going to the hospital.” 

“I can’t lose him,” Logan says. Thomas doesn’t say anything. 

They take the back route into Virgil’s computer den, avoiding the bullpen. Virgil is waiting for them with some neatly folded clothes and damp towels. He helps Logan clean his arms and hands, waits outside with Thomas while Logan changes. 

(One of the pieces of clothing is Virgil’s, an old black hoodie of his. It’s a little too big, but Logan pulls it on anyway.) 

On the way to the hospital, Logan sits in the back with Virgil. Virgil holds his hand, and Logan squeezes. It’s probably too tight, but Virgil doesn’t complain, just squeezes back. When they pull into the hospital parking lot, Logan sees an ambulance, and that’s when he loses it. 

Thomas gets out of the car, but he doesn’t go inside. He just stands outside, leaning on the driver’s side door, while Logan sobs. Virgil makes sure they’re both unbuckled before pulling Logan into his arms. Logan sobs into his brother’s shoulder, and Virgil rubs his back, carefully tapping out the same _4-7-8_ rhythm that Logan used to use to help Virgil breathe through his panic attacks. 

Seven minutes later, they walk into the emergency waiting room. Logan curls in on himself in one of the plastic chairs. Virgil sits next to him, gaze flicking back and forth between Logan and Thomas, who waits at the nurse’s stand. 

Patton comes out of the swinging doors that lead to the patient area hours later, still wearing the same bloody clothes from earlier. He smiles tiredly when he sees Logan. Virgil springs out of the chair and tries to look like he’s not running as he pushes forward into Patton’s arms. 

“He’s stable,” Patton calls, and Logan sucks in what he thinks might be the first breath he’s taken since he saw Roman’s body. “He coded on the table, briefly, but he’s - he’ll be okay.” 

Roman opens his eyes, slowly, and the first thing he sees is Logan’s tear-streaked face, staring anxiously back at him. 

“I didn’t die on you,” he whispers. Logan rolls his eyes, but when they kiss, Roman can taste his tears - and his relief. 


	5. technical support: moxiety

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Can you write more FBI!AU but add in some moxiety?"   
> Virgil is always at the beck and call of his team; whatever gets his family home the fastest

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> virgil loves his boyfriend so much you guys   
> (tw: minor anxiety, vv brief bruise mention)

“And here I was starting to think you’d forgotten all about little old me.” 

“ _Aww, Virgil, I could never forget about you!_ ” Virgil allows himself to grin at Patton’s cheery voice. He has a reputation to maintain as the FBI’s resident computer cryptid, he can’t let people know that he has a  _soft spot_  for his  _boyfriend_ of several years. 

“Hey there, Pat.” 

“ _I'm putting you on speakerphone, okay?_ ” 

“Awwww, don’t you wanna be alone with me?” Virgil teases. 

“ _Virgil!_ ” Patton squeaks. “ _Behave!_ ” 

“Or what, you’re gonna spank me?” Silence from the other end. 

“ _Virgil, you are my brother and I love you, but I do not think this is information I need to know about you._ ” Logan’s quiet deadpan sends him spiraling into fits of laughter, and he can hear Roman laughing from the other end and Patton’s flustered stammering. 

“ _We called you for a reason, Virgil,_ ” Thomas says, and he sounds amused but there’s something serious underneath it. “ _We need you to do some research._ ” 

“Research is my specialty, boss man! Request away.” Virgil cracks his fingers, rolls his head around once, and settles his eyes on the screen. “If it’s on the internet, I will find it.” 

“ _How many different plumbing companies are there in this town?_ ” Thomas asks. Virgil’s fingers fly across the keyboard. 

“There are nine, which in my humble opinion is far too fuckin’ many.” 

“ _How many employees are there?_ ” 

“Collectively? Around a hundred and three.” 

“ _How many are male?_ ” 

“Um …” Virgil pulls up one of his many, many, many list filters. “Around ninety-eight. Wow, sexist industry much?” 

“ _Focus, Virgil,_ ” Thomas prompts. “ _How many have prior arrest records?_ ” 

“That would be seventeen. The list is on your phones right now, and I promise I’ll keep digging!” 

“ _You’re the best, Batman,_ ” Roman says.   
  
“I know, Princey. Catch me a serial killer, okay?” 

“ _You got it! Logan, let’s -_ ” Roman’s voice fades as Patton takes him off speakerphone. 

“ _Thanks, sweetheart,_ ” Patton says. Virgil pretends that he isn’t blushing at the nickname and fails miserably. “ _We’ll call you if we need anything else, alright?_ ” 

“Will you call me if you don’t need anything?” Virgil asks. Patton’s laugh crackles over the phone speaker. 

“ _God, I miss you,_ ” Patton sighs. Virgil knows the sentiment well. They’ve been out on a case for almost a week now, and Virgil’s been in the Batcave the entire time. He has a small couch and a go-bag in his office, so he’s been catching catnaps where he can and waiting for news from his team. From what they’re telling him, it’s been a particularly rough case with a particularly dangerous criminal. 

“I miss you, too,” Virgil says. “Have you been sleeping?” 

“ _As much as I can. You?_ ” 

“Eh, you know me. The Batman never sleeps.” 

“ _Virgil._ ” 

“Relax, Pat. I’m catching catnaps on the couch whenever possible, okay?” 

“ _You need real sleep, Virgil._ ” Virgil runs the silver chain around his neck between his fingers as he pulls it out to examine the pendant. It’s a small silver Batman symbol, a gift from Patton on their one-year anniversary. 

“I need my family to come home to me safe and alive.” Patton doesn’t answer right away; Virgil doesn’t usually express such sentiments so blatantly. 

“ _We will,_ ” Patton says. “ _I promise, Virgil, we’ll come home._ ” 

“I love you,” Virgil whispers. Patton laughs, once, softly. 

“ _I love you._ ”   
*~*~*~*~*  
“ _Virgil, does anyone fit those parameters?_ ” 

“Just one, his name is Ryan Gillsworth, and he lives at -”

“ _2344 Ashwood Road - shit!_ ” Roman swears. 

“What?” Roman doesn’t answer. “Roman, answer me, right now!” 

“ _We split up to check different addresses, and that -_ ” 

“Roman, you need to tell me the goddamn truth. Which one of you is at that psychopath’s house?” 

“ _Patton,_ ” Roman says, voice grim. “ _Virgil, I have to go. We’ll see you soon._ ” 

“Roman, wait!” But Roman’s already hung up. Virgil worries the Batman pendant between his fingers and debates calling Patton or Logan or calling Roman back. But he can’t do that, because it would just put them in more danger. So he sits there, surrounded by his computers, and he waits. 

He’s nodded off against the desk when the door opens, and he jumps up immediately. Patton is standing in the doorway, go bag at his feet, face drawn and tired but whole. There’s a bruise on his cheek, and Virgil scrambles forward to cup his face and run one thumb over the bruise. “God, Pat, are you -”

“He hit me once,” Patton says. “But I’m okay.” 

Virgil hugs him, not caring if anyone sees. “The others?” 

“They’re okay. We caught him, Virgil.” 

Virgil kisses Patton, careful of the bruise on his cheek, and when he pulls back Patton carefully traces the sleepless circles below his eyes with a sad smile. “I think it’s time to sleep,” he says. Virgil nods. 

“Sleep.” 

Logan comes by the Batcave to see his brother, as he does every time he returns from a case, and finds him passed out on the couch, held against Patton’s chest. Patton, too, is half-asleep, but he smiles at Logan, who gently ruffles his brother’s hair before closing the door. Roman is waiting, leaning against the wall. “Is Batman finally sleeping?”

“It would appear so,” Logan sighs. Roman wraps an arm around his waist and kisses him. Logan leans back. “Thomas might kick us off the team if he receives one more PDA complaint.” 

“Half of those are from Virgil and he’s got no right to talk anyway,” Roman grumbles. “Pleeeaaaase, Lo?” 

Logan rolls his eyes, but he kisses Roman anyway. 


	6. kidnapped: roman

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Can you tell us more about that time Roman got kidnapped?"   
> Roman and Virgil don't get along at first. Then Roman is kidnapped by a serial killer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is how virgil and his office get their nicknames btw   
> (tw: kidnapping, obviously, minor anxiety)

So Roman's actually been kidnapped more than once, but I assume you meant that time Virgil saved him???? 

The team was following a serial killer who left a bunch of really cryptic clues, and Virgil thought he’d figured something out so he called Roman to tell him. But Roman was kind of self-centered as a new cadet and he thought he knew best so he just kind of … disregarded Virgil.

Which, of course, was a colossal fucking mistake, because he got himself kidnapped by a goddamn serial killer, because, as we have previously established,  _he’s a fucking moron_. 

So Virgil pings Roman’s phone and discovers that he’s been kidnapped, and their unit is so small, it’s just Thomas and Patton and Virgil and they need Roman back. Virgil gets Thomas and Patton and pulls them into his office and pulls up just - massive lists of information. 

“This is what I was trying to tell him,” he says. “They’re all connected to obscure Batman comic trivia, and I - I think I know how to find him.” 

Roman, meanwhile, has been tied up upside-down over this massive vat of acid and the killer is just standing there cackling about how pretty Roman’s face is, and won’t it be a shame when he becomes this universe’s Two-Face? But Virgil is so goddamn clever, and he finds the warehouse and they go in and Roman’s thrashing around, wrapped in chains like a mummy. 

The killer is standing there, laughing, and Thomas and Patton are trying to get a shot but they don’t have a clear one and his finger’s on the kill switch -

And then Virgil appears, wearing his characteristic black hoodie, and he starts talking and it’s entirely in quotes from different Batman comic books. Roman’s gagged and slowly lowering towards the acid and Virgil just keep talking, slow and even, and the killer steps away from the kill switch and Thomas takes the shot. He hits him in the shoulder and Virgil’s on the keyboard in an instant, frantically trying to reverse it and pull Roman up. 

Roman’s three inches from the acid when Virgil hits the right code and reels him back up. Thomas and Patton are busy cuffing and subduing the unsub, so it’s Virgil who attacks the chains with bolt cutters and tears the duct tape off his mouth.

“Pretty damn cool of you, Batman,” Roman says, and Virgil actively stops what he’s doing to stare at Roman. “What?”

“I think that’s the first nickname you’ve given me that I don’t completely despise,” Virgil smirks. He finishes cutting Roman free, and he stands up and hugs Virgil, who stands there in shock for a moment before hugging back. 

“Does that mean we can call your office the Batcave?” 

“Don’t push it,” Virgil hisses, but he’s still laughing. 

They’re bff’s after that, and then five months later Logan joins the FBI. Three weeks after that, he joins the profiling unit, and five minutes after seeing him for the first time, Roman flings the Batcave door open, dramatically drops onto the couch, and wails, “Virgil you didn’t tell me your brother was so  _pretty_!” 

(Virgil, without looking up: if you try to corrupt my brother I will  _drain your bank account._ ) 


	7. get-together: logince

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "How did Roman and Logan get together in your FBI!AU?"  
> Roman and Logan both trust Virgil. Virgil thinks it's a horrible decision, really.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> roman and logan are useless gays, and virgil is this close to locking them in a broom closet  
> (tw: v minor anxiety i guess?)

So Roman and Logan have their first kiss when Logan’s strapped to that bomb vest and Roman and Virgil are trying to disarm it (see chapter 2!).

But they’re already together at that point, and you wanted to know how that happened. 

They get together exactly two months before that bomb incident. Roman spends, like, around seven or eight months in the Batcave, dramatically pining over Logan. Virgil ignores him for the most part, because Roman complains about some pretty boy every other day or so. But once he starts pining for Logan, he stops pining for anyone else. He stops flirting as much (except for Logan, and it goes over his head), he gets serious about trying to make romantic plans, and Virgil’s like, “Huh.”

One day, Logan walks in and asks Virgil how one would go about “propositioning a coworker” and Virgil,  _without even turning around from the computer,_ goes, “You better be asking me how to get Roman in your pants, because he’s been trying to get into yours since day one.” 

Logan splutters, and Virgil’s just like, “Yeah, I thought so.” 

Logan’s convinced he’s making it up, so Virgil just shoos him out like “I’ve got this, Logan, let your big brother handle it.” He opens a hidden recording file on one of his many screens and when Roman comes in he records all of his dramatics, including his more serious confessions. 

The next day, Logan shuffles into the Batcave and Virgil (who has another secret recording file open) is just like “Are you ready to talk about it now?” 

Logan spills his guts, super confused and a little afraid but he trusts Virgil ( ~~a colossal mistake, if you ask Virgil~~ ) and Virgil just nods, deciding then and there that he’s going to get these idiots together if it kills him. 

He sends Roman’s audio file to Logan and Logan’s audio file to Roman and then asks them to meet him at work at nine pm. 

Except he doesn’t show, so it’s just those two, in the bullpen, each having listened to the other confess feelings for them unknowingly recorded. They play the recordings for each other, and when it’s over, Roman just laughs, shakes his head, and says, “Man, Logan, that brother of yours is really something, isn’t he?” 

Logan just nods, face pink, and Roman takes a step forward and gently touches his shoulder. “Logan, I - this isn’t one of Virgil’s pranks, is it?” 

Logan shakes his head, avoiding Roman’s eyes. “I don’t know about what I received, but - but I can promise you that I do, in fact, harbor what I believe might be the beginnings of romantic attraction towards you. If you - if you do not reciprocate, I -” 

“Logan, I've been on that hard, shitty excuse for a couch that Virgil keeps in the Batcave every day since I met you telling him how attractive I find you. You cannot possibly know how happy I am to hear you say that.” 

Logan just smiles, and then he steps forward and hugs Roman, and Roman freezes for all of three seconds before hugging back. 


	8. fire: logince

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Make me!"  
> Logan is trying to save Roman. Roman insists on saving Logan as well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i am a sucker for roman rescuing logan and i am unafraid to write gratuitous hurt-comfort shenanigans   
> (tw: fire, injury mentions, hospital mentions, anxiety)

“You have to get out of here!” 

Logan pulls harder, but the handcuffs don’t give, and neither does the radiator they’re attached to. His wrists are bruised and raw from struggling, and he kicks out against the floor as he tries to free himself. Roman, standing in the doorway, coughs, burying his face in his arm to try and block out some of the smoke. 

“Not without you!” 

“ _Leave!_ ” Logan cries, coughing harder. Being stuck this close to the floor has spared a lot of the smoke from his lungs, but he’s starting to feel the effects. “You have to get out of here!” 

“ _Make me!_ ” 

“I don’t want you to die!” Logan screams. Roman drops to his knees and crawls across the floor, grabbing Logan’s wrists. “Roman, you have to leave!” 

Roman meets his eyes, and there’s determination written across his face. “Make me, Logan. I’m not leaving without you.”  He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a paper clip. “Can you work with this?” 

“Straighten it?” Logan gasps. Roman bends one end out and pushes it into Logan’s hand. Logan instantly slides it into the handcuffs, but his hands are shaking and he almost drops it. 

“Hey, hey, love,” Roman says, turning Logan’s face towards him. “Breathe. Just breathe, okay? I believe in you.” 

“I can’t do this!” 

Roman leans forward and kisses him. It’s short, but he’s breathing heavily when he pulls away. “You can, Logan. You’re the smartest person I’ve ever met. You can do this.” 

He smiles, and Logan takes a deep breath. He coughs at the smoke he inhales, but he manages to calm himself down enough to unlock one of the cuffs. “Yes, yes, there you go, baby,” Roman cheers. “You’re doing so good, baby, come on, come on, you got it.” 

Logan untangles the chain from the rungs of the radiator and stands without unlocking the other wrist, handcuffs dangling from his wrist as he grabs Roman. “We have to go!” 

Logan pulls Roman through the house, focusing on the doorway and not on Roman’s shuddering, hacking coughs behind him. They burst out the front door, Logan stumbling forward, dragging Roman along behind him. There are bright lights and loud noises around him, voices loud in his ear, hands on his arms and torso, and then he’s gone. 

Logan wakes up again in the hospital. There are stiff white bandages around his wrist, smaller bandages around his fingers. His throat and head feel like he’s been swallowing gravel and it’s rattling around his skull, but he’s clear-headed enough to see Roman in the bed next to him, smiling at him. 

“How are you feeling, dear?” he asks. Logan hates the scratchiness in his voice. 

“I’m -” he breaks off, coughing, voice raspy, “- I’ve been better.” 

“You really did a number on your wrists,” Roman says softly. 

“You could have died,” Logan says. “Why didn’t you listen to me?” 

“If I had listened to you, you  _would_  have died,” Roman answers. “And I didn’t want to live in a world without you.” 

“You’re a goddamn sap,” Logan murmurs. The door slides open, and suddenly Virgil appears. He’s carrying flowers - red roses and pink lilies, Roman’s favorites. There’s also a plastic bag hanging off his arm. He puts the flowers on the chair and knocks his fist carefully against Roman’s forehead. 

“You’re a goddamn dumbass,” he says. 

“I saved your brother, Batman. You could at least be grateful.” 

Virgil ruffles his hair, eyes fond. “Yeah. You did do that. Thanks, Roman.” 

He steps up to Logan’s bed and hugs him, and Logan’s arms hurt but he hugs Virgil back. “You’re a dumbass, Logan,” he says. 

“I missed you too, Virgil.” The plastic bag turns out to contain a jar of Logan’s favorite jam, the book he’d been about to start, and a small plush bee, which Logan gives to Roman. Logan reads the entire book in less than fifteen minutes.

“Read it again?” Roman asks. “Read it to me?” Logan smirks. 

“Make me.” 

Roman blows him a kiss, and Logan turns bright pink. He opens the book to the first page and begins to read again. 


	9. rescue mission: team

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Can you write one where logince saves a little girl?"   
> Logan doesn't always enjoy the outcome of his job. He does today.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i love my soft gay sons okay   
> (tw: kidnapping, bad guys with guns, injury mention)

Logan taps the earpiece a couple of times, trying to establish a connection. “Can you hear me?” 

“ _Affirmative, Robin,_ ” Virgil hums. “ _Catwoman, how bout you?_ ” 

“I’m not Catwoman,” Roman grumbles. “Catwoman slept with Batman. I’m not sleeping with Batman. _You’re_  Batman.” 

“We don’t need codenames at all!” Logan groans. “We’re about to break into a house and hopefully rescue a kidnapped girl, so can we please focus?” 

“Right, right, right,” Roman says. He leans forward and kisses Logan as he adjusts the velcro straps on his bulletproof vest. Logan has been with Roman for close to three years now, and Roman always kisses him before they go into a mission. It still surprises him every time, still makes butterflies explode through his stomach and chest. 

He supposes that means he’s made the right choice. 

“ _If you’ve finished sucking face with my brother,_ ” Virgil drones, “ _I’ve got heat signatures on the house._ ” 

“Did you hack into a satellite again?” Logan groans. 

“Again?” Roman asks. Virgil snickers. 

“ _Bold of you to assume I ever logged out after last time._ ” 

“Your brother might be a cybercriminal,” Roman stage-whispers. 

Logan raises an eyebrow, face impassive. “Are you implying that I’m not a cybercriminal?” 

Roman facepalms, Virgil cackles, and Logan finishes attaching his vest and makes sure his gun is loaded. “You ready?” 

Roman nods, and his face instantly smooths into mission mode. “I’ll take point?” 

They break down the door with relatively little effort. There’s someone in the hallway, whirling around with a gun and a snarl, but Roman fires before they can even pull their weapon out. 

“Fan out!” Roman calls. “We gotta find her!” 

“You take upstairs, I’ll take the basement!” Logan says. “Virgil, a little help!” 

“ _I’ve got the floor plans up right now! The door’s under the stairs!_ ” 

The door’s padlocked, but Logan picks it without much effort and slams his way downstairs. There’s a little girl who can’t be older than seven or eight huddled in the corner on a straw-filled sack. Her eyes are wide, and she cowers away from him. Logan taps his earpiece. 

“Guys, I’ve got the girl!” 

“ _Good jo -_ ” Roman’s voice cuts off in a shower of gunfire, and Logan forces himself to focus on the child in front of him. Roman’s a trained FBI agent. Roman will be fine. This is a little girl who needs his help. He has to focus. 

“Hello, there.” 

She whimpers, and Logan holds out a hand. “You don’t have to be afraid. Are you Leah?” She peers at him over her arms and nods, once. “I’m Logan. It’s nice to meet you. I don’t like it down here very much, do you?” 

She shakes her head. “That’s what I thought. Would you like to go home now? To go and see your mommy?” 

“Mommy?” Leah whispers. Logan nods. “But I’m stuck.” She shifts, and Logan sees the thick twine knotted around her wrists and ankles. Logan’s heart breaks, and something cold and angry settles in his chest. She’s a little girl. She doesn’t deserve this. 

“If you let me pick you up, I can carry you outside,” Logan says. His voice is impossibly soft, but he doesn’t move. Leah watches him through the fringe of her hair before finally, finally, she nods and leans forward. 

Logan scoops her up, and she’s impossibly small and light, even for an eight-year-old. He turns around, ready to go back upstairs, and freezes, because one of the kidnappers is staring him down. 

Logan tightens his grip on Leah, and the kidnapper reaches for his gun, and Logan realizes that he’s still holding his. He shifts Leah, aims his gun, and says, “Close your eyes!” 

Leah squeezes her eyes shut and shoves her face into Logan’s chest as he fires once, twice, three times. The first shot hits his shoulder, but the second and third land in his chest and he goes down hard. 

“Is it over?” Leah whispers. 

“Yeah,” Logan breathes. “It’s over.” 

Logan carries her out to the parking lot, where Patton is waiting. “This is Patton, my good friend. He’s going to cut those ropes off of you and check you out for injuries, and then we’re going to see your mom, okay?” 

“Thank you,” Leah says. Logan smiles and carefully puts her down. 

“Of course.” 

“ _Logan, I need an update, now!_ ” Virgil says. 

“I got Leah. We’re safe in the parking lot with Patton. Where’s Roman?” 

“You called?” 

Logan turns to see Roman, crossing the parking lot. There’s a nasty bruise blooming around his left eye, but he isn’t bleeding. He kisses Logan’s forehead. “You got her?” 

“We got her,” Logan says. “Your eye?” He carefully brushes his fingertips against Roman’s face. Roman winces, pressing his hand over Logan’s. 

“Minor dust-up. All in all, today’s a good day, right?” 

“Yeah,” Logan says, turning at the sound of Leah’s laughter to see Patton making shadow puppets against the side of the car to make her feel at ease. 

“Today’s a good day.” 


	10. stress: team

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Can you do one on how each member of the team handles stress?" 
> 
> The job of an FBI profiler is stressful. They all unwind differently.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> soft boys i love them so much   
> (tw: stress, mild anxiety)

Depends how you define stressful, my love, because the life of an FBI agent is very stressful.

Thomas is usually serious and level-headed. He’s been doing this for a while, and he’s pretty good at handling stress. He’s kind of a workaholic when he’s stressed, so he’ll pull long nights doing meaningless paperwork. If he really needs to de-stress, he goes hiking into the middle of the woods. It’s relaxing. 

Patton’s pretty good with stress, too, by virtue of experience, but he also tends to ignore it in favor of worrying about other people. He’s a stress-baker by nature, and the more food there is in the bullpen the more worried Thomas gets about his partner. (He’s pretty good about it, though. He’s getting better about opening up to Thomas and Virgil about his stress.) 

Roman claims he’s #tooblessedtobestressed, but sometimes he disappears into the firing range for hours on end. He’ll blast loud music and do target practice, and when he’s really pissed he’ll go down to the gym and challenge all comers to practice his hand-to-hand combat skills. Logan’s the one who coaxes him to come home, who ices his bruises and lets him vent his frustrations. They’re good for each other.

The team knows when Virgil is stressed because they lose the ability to get into their computers. Virgil thinks it’s funny to hack in and change everyone’s passwords. Even if they can get into their computers, he changes their backgrounds and adjusts the settings so they can’t change them back. Logan will spend an hour or so writing code to fix it, and then he goes and sits with Virgil in the Batcave and waits for Virgil to spill his guts. (Recently, Patton’s been going to sit with Virgil while Logan writes the code. It’s super effective.)

Logan appears the least affected by the stress of the job. He’s never been super open with his emotions, and he’s the most well-adjusted of them all. When the stress gets too much, he does very complicated math/physics/astrophysics equations to distract himself, but sometimes even that cannot help him. On those days, he’ll lie on the couch and let Roman card his fingers through his hair while something nonsensical plays in the background. Sometimes Logan talks, and sometimes he doesn’t, but Roman’s there for him either way. Logan’s only cried once, and neither of them speak of it. 


	11. i'm a romantic: logince

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I'm a romantic! I know all the pickup lines. Every single one." 
> 
> Roman tries to be suave, but Logan is a useless gay and everything goes over his head. Virgil is #suffering.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> listen . . . they're all useless gays. it's in the title
> 
> (tw: v brief mention of kidnapping, v brief knife mention)

 "You know, you’re never gonna win him over like that,” Virgil says. 

Roman flings himself onto the couch, groaning loudly, a long, drawn-out sigh. Virgil pulls open a drawer with a small red crown painted on it, pulls out a red rubber ball, and hurls it at him. He doesn’t even turn to look. 

He hits Roman square in the forehead. 

“Virgil, why must you abuse me so!” 

“Because you come in here every single day and tell me about your grand romantic plans to woo my baby brother, that’s why. How many shitty pickup lines do you even have, Roman?” 

“What can I say?” Roman laughs. “I’m a romantic. I know all the pickup lines. Every. Single. One.” 

Virgil rolls his eyes. “You know, if this were olden times I could challenge you to a duel for the right to his hand.” 

“You still could,” Roman teases, wiggling his eyebrows. “I’d win.” 

“I’m a faster draw,” Virgil says.

“Yeah, but I’m a better shot.” 

“Who said I was talking about guns?” Virgil spins his chair in a complete circle, flinging his hand forward as he faces Roman. He faces the computer, grinning, as Roman gapes at the small throwing knife embedded in the wall. 

“You’ve picked up some new skills, I see.” 

Virgil shrugs. “I’m not interested in hanging out in any more locked car trunks, Ro.” 

He hears Roman approach him, footfalls deliberately loud so that he knows he’s coming. He feels Roman carefully touch his shoulders before leaning down and wrapping him in a hug. 

“You’re a good brother, Virgil.” 

“And you’ll be a good boyfriend, Roman.” Virgil tilts his head back, lets his head rest on Roman’s shoulder. “My baby brother would be lucky to have you.” 

Roman squeezes tightly, and Virgil takes one hand off the keyboard to press over Roman’s. Then he prints the suspect list Roman’s here for and hands it to him. 

Roman swans into the briefing room and drops the suspect list into Thomas’s hands before throwing a stunning smile at Logan. “Are you an astronaut?” 

“No, I am an FBI agent -”

“Because  _damn_ , you are out of this world!” 

Logan blinks at Roman, adorable in his confusion, and says, “But I’m not an astronaut, Roman. I’m an FBI agent that you work with. Is this new information to you?” 

Roman sits down and buries his head in his arms, groaning loudly.  _Of course_ , he just  _had_ to develop a maddening crush on the _single most oblivious human on the planet_. He’s a fool for thinking it can go somewhere. 

Years later, Roman wakes up in the middle of the night. There’s a warm body curled against his side, tucked underneath his arm, hair tickling Roman’s nose, cold toes pressed against Roman’s warm inner calf. His fiancé snores softly in his arms, mumbling a long, slurred string of something Roman thinks might be Latin. 

“I can’t believe how lucky I am,” Roman whispers, pressing a single chaste kiss against Logan’s hair. “I know every pickup line in the book, and none of them worked, and I still managed to land the most wonderful man in the entire world. And I love you.” 

“L’v you t’,” Logan mumbles, immediately followed by more meaningless Latin gibberish. 

“ _Te amo, mi amor,_ ” Roman says sleepily, pulling Logan a little closer as he falls asleep again.


	12. losers: logince

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Hello, 911? Yes, I'd like to report a loser." 
> 
> Finally, they get some down time, and Roman ruins it by being a dork. Logan's in love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> listen . . . im love them   
> (tw: v brief references to kidnapping) ((THE KIDNAPPING ONESHOT IS IN PROGRESS))

They don’t always get to hang out together outside of work. 

Their job is stressful and time-consuming, and down time is a rare luxury. But they finally score a day off, finally catch a lucky break, and Patton makes the decision instantly. 

“You’re all coming over to my house for dinner tomorrow!” he says. “We’ve all got the day off, and we’ve all got our personal destress methods, but I miss you guys!” 

“You see us every day, Patton,” Thomas says. Patton pouts, and it’s really unfair that the second-oldest member of this team has the puppy-dog eyes down so well. 

“But that’s  _work_ , Thomas! We never get to just hang out and have fun! I’m cooking,” he teases, as though it’ll entice them. 

“Correction,” Virgil says, slipping into the conference room. Patton instantly wraps his arm around Virgil’s waist and pulls him close, and Virgil leans into his fiancé. " _I_ will be cooking. Patton will be baking.” 

“They knew what I meant!” 

“Did they? Did they really?” 

“Please come?” Patton says. Virgil sighs. 

“Pat, I know you wanted it to be a surprise, but I’m telling them, okay?” 

Patton nods, and Virgil says, “It’s our engagement party, okay? We didn’t really get to do it with too much ceremony, since I thought I was never gonna see any of you again - ” Patton’s arm tightens around Virgil’s waist, just a little “- so I wanted a chance to … do it properly, I guess?” 

“Of course we’ll come, Pat,” Thomas says. 

“I wouldn’t miss seeing this for the world!” Roman says. Logan smiles at his brother. 

“Of course, we will attend.” 

Virgil spends the night at Patton’s in preparation for tomorrow, so Roman spends the night at Logan’s. They watch old, shitty rom-coms, and Roman tries out all of the worst, cheesiest pick-up lines on Logan. 

After the seventh dramatic declaration of unending love, Logan picks up his cell phone and pretends to dial a number. “Hello? 911? Yes, I’d like to report a loser.” 

Roman snorts and drops onto the couch, sending Logan’s phone flying as he throws his body down on top of Logan’s and pins him to the couch. (Logan is glad he still has an archaic “dumb phone” - it’s not fancy, but he doesn’t need it to be, and it doesn’t break easily.)

“Was that a joke, Lo-Lo?” Logan turns pink at the nickname, and Roman nuzzles forward to kiss him. “You’re precious, you know that?” 

Logan lets his hands settle on Roman’s hips, and Roman pushes forward to kiss him again. “I love you,” he says, earnestly. Roman hums against his mouth. 

“Love you too, loser.” 


	13. clubbing part one: logince

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I'm a romantic. I know all the pickup lines. Every single one." 
> 
> Roman and Logan prepare to go clubbing to catch a drug dealer, and they are very, very, stupidly gay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> roman 1000000000% is kickass at makeup i love him so much 
> 
> (tw: none, for once, for this au!)

“This is an absolutely terrible idea,” Logan mutters, even as Roman runs his fingers through his hair to muss it up. Roman’s hair looks artfully tousled, but Logan can smell the product on it even though they’re at arm’s length from each other. 

“Listen, they’ll know something’s up if I go alone, because I am too damn gorgeous to go clubbing by myself,” Roman says. Logan’s pretty sure that he’s wearing make-up - his eyes pop in a way that they don’t normally, and his cheekbones are glowing and accentuated. He’s also wearing a shirt that’s just a tad short, showing the barest, tantalizing flash of his abs, and his pants are definitely too tight to be concealing a weapon. 

Logan is dressed more conservatively, but not by much. His shirt is tight-fitting, clinging to his chest and arms and stomach. His pants are fairly normal, which is good, because he refuses to go into the field unarmed. 

“Sit down!” Roman says, pushing him onto the bed. “I wanna do your make-up, too.” 

“It’s just a brief undercover stint,” Logan says, but he lets himself sit down anyway, taking his glasses off and folding them neatly. “Is this really necessary?” Roman’s already rifling through his make-up bag, digging out a weird egg-shaped sponge thing and a bottle of skin-colored liquid. 

“Listen, Logan, to  _you_  it’s just an undercover stint. It’s more than that to me.” 

“What is it to you, then?” 

“It’s me having a night out clubbing with my boyfriend, with whom I am _very_ much in love,” Roman says. “Close your eyes?” He pats the sponge vigorously all over Logan’s face, smearing make-up across it. “You never wanna go with me!” 

“I do not particularly enjoy the club scene, Roman. It is loud and bright and full of drunk people, and these are all things I do not enjoy.” 

“I know, but it’s fun! There’s dancing and drinking and - hey, did I mention dancing?” Roman leans forward, and Logan can feel him wiggling his hips in the air. “I’m gonna do your eyes now. Try not to blink too much.” 

Logan feels powder smear across his eyelids, feels Roman carefully dragging a pencil right along his lash line. “Little bit of mascara now, okay?” Logan flicks his eyes upwards and lets Roman swipe at his eyelashes with the mascara wand. 

“What do I even do there?” Logan says. 

“You flirt!” Roman says. “You try and sex it up a little, you know? Guys want to get in your pants, Lo-Lo. And while under normal circumstances, I’d shoot any guy who so much as blinked in your direction in the groin, I can make an exception tonight.” 

“You would not do that, because it’s against the law,” Logan counters. 

“I’d arrest him, then.” 

“Abuse of power.” 

“You’re no fun!” Roman pouts. “Let me be a jealous boyfriend!” 

“Why should you be jealous? You already have my whole heart,” Logan says, earnestly. That gives Roman pause, the compact in his hands dropping to the bed as he kisses Logan. 

“You’re fucking adorable,” he says. “You’re fucking precious, and I love you.” Logan kisses his forehead when he bends down to pick up the compact again. “So, anyway, you’re gonna have to at least try and flirt.” 

“I don’t know how,” Logan says. “I never - I never did that with you.” 

He’s pretty sure Roman’s wearing blush, but his face is definitely redder than it was. “Well, luckily for you, I’m a romantic! I know  _all_  the pickup lines. Every. Single. One. Hell, I used most of them on you! Now, smile?”

“You did?” Roman laughs as he pats blush on the high points of Logan’s cheeks. “I confess I didn’t notice.” 

“You’re kind of oblivious in the romance department, sometimes, but it’s okay! I more than make up for it.” Roman takes a step back, admires his handiwork, and runs his hands through Logan’s hair again. “I can teach you how to land a man in a minute and a half, tops.” 

“Why would I want to convince a random stranger to have intercourse with me when I already have you?” Logan says. “Even as a cover, I wouldn’t want to, Roman. You’re stunning. You’re so much more than I could have ever asked for, I - I love you.” 

Roman shrieks and buries his face in his hands. “You’re gonna kill me with cuteness, Logan!” 

They catch their drug dealer without a hitch, largely thanks to Roman’s fake-drunk flirting and Logan’s concealed weapon. “Well,” Roman says, watching the police car pull away, “ _our_ job is done, and _I_ am looking like an  _absolute snack_ tonight. What say we keep going, love?” 

Logan wraps his arms around Roman’s hips and pulls him flush against his waist. “You are certainly looking fine tonight, Roman, but I cannot say I enjoy the idea of other people attempting to land what is mine.” His voice is low and Roman feels a shiver skitter down his spine; Logan’s always been good at learning things, and apparently flirting was not exception. 

“Is that your pistol in your pocket, Lo, or are you just happy to see me?” 

The spell is broken instantly as Logan pulls away and pulls his gun out of his secret holster. “It’s my gun. Did you - was it uncomfortable?” 

Roman tips his head forward and smacks against Logan’s shoulder. “You’re an adorable idiot, specs, and I love you,” he says. 

Logan kisses him; he tastes sweet, like alcohol, like the one half-drink he managed to down before he’d locked onto the target. Roman’s hands settle around his waist, and yeah. Maybe this sting  _was_ a good idea. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ( _ ~~roman would definitely describe himself as a snacc and logan is definitely a hopelessly confused useless gay and i love my dorky idiot gay fbi sons~~_ )

**Author's Note:**

> come scream at me on tumblr! // [@teacupfulofstarshine](https://teacupfulofstarshine.tumblr.com)


End file.
